Leaky Feelings: How Emotional Incongruence Gives Us ‘Weird Energy’ (And How To Change It)
Leaky Feelings: How Emotional Incongruence Gives Us ‘Weird Energy’ (And How To Change It)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxBm9r2tpyY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LziBXG0y-1k
I struggle with this a lot, didn’t know what it was called though, so thank you
Thank you for this information! Very insightful
13:24
for me, dbt- dialectical behavior therapy- is so helpful with this topic
You’ve provided practically an anatomical study of the internal and external conflict limerence puts me through. It’s been two years; it’s a big valley, and I’ve easily avoided this restless, lethally attractive married man who briefly verbally played with me. If our one common activity bumps us into each other again, I’d like to be closer to authentic. He had to have sensed my attraction to him. I think he just likes my admiration; complete sincerity would trigger that ravenous ego. If he asks me why I’m practicing with someone else and not him, I’d like words without manipulation and without regressing to “pretend friend.” I’d prefer snarky wit: "I’d work with you but your other admiring women make such a CROWD! Buh-bye!”
Hi Heidi, thanks so much for all the advice you are giving us! I am actually learning a lot from you, your output is profound! just as a viewer if you don’t mind me telling you, I
see the white light you have behind your camera reflecting on your pupils. Could you put something to prevent that from happening as it looks weird.
I just want to say THANK YOU HEIDI, your videos have been so inspiring and helpful, since I discovered your channel I feel I am learning so much. Thank you so much!!!!
accidentally fills the room with weird energy because of PMS
This rocked my shit a lil too hard so thank u
I feel like I suffer with this a lot. I make plans, set appointments, set deadlines, and I get overwhelmed by it all. Then I go into this self loathing state and hide. I’m also a single mom so maintaining balance just isn’t easy for me. Here it is summer and despite the calmer schedule I feel highly stressed sad and overwhelmed. A lot occured at the beginning and Im still sorting out the mess. Depression, guilt, catching up, and the apologies I have to make.
Damn ❤
I’d rephrase "I’m giving them what I want to give them" with "I’m giving them what I want to get from them", which almost always is the case. The reason we find communicating intentions behind our actions difficult, is the simple fact that we don’t trust certain people to not take advantage of us, given the specific information. We want to trust them, we want to be open and vulnerable to them, but we don’t trust that it’s safe. I have a long history with someone and a few months ago I shared something he didn’t know, I was expecting he’d be welcoming of seeing my soul "naked" so to speak. What he did instead was the opposite. He completely invalidated my feelings and perception about the specific event and said I had imagined things the certain way. So, there’s no way you’d feel safe to trust someone like that.
I once lived on an agricultural commune. I had low moments. There were so many social situations. I had highs and I had lows. I felt very accepted but shortly became depressed.
The beginning of this sparked intense curiosity. I experience unexplained extreme reactions from strangers within seconds of them noticing me. People grab there children and pull them closer, employees of any store become on high alert and (not so) quietly band together to watch every move I make assuming I am going to steal, and at the register or customer service desk etc interactions get drastically worse where im often accused of ridiculous espionage or totally impossible things. I have been experiencing these things for over 20 years across all extremes and all boring events of my life. . However hearing the break down of these terms I began seeing myself less and less, and when you described how to set the stage for confronting a person especially adding stating what it is you hope to achieve/receive I totally do that to which I almost always get a response that yes they want to have the conversation and help me answer whatever the question is.. but I can confidently say 100% of these interactions result in the other person not answering my question.. instead acting as though I didn’t ask it nor did I set the stage etc. Like a sudden change of heart where there is only backpedaling and then complete silence about the topic I was very forward about my intention of exploring. 20+ years of this.. or the extreme opposite where some people are sucked in to me like I have a tractor beam on them, complete strangers of all walks of life who look at me like I’m their first puppy from childhood and they can’t stop asking me questions about anything and everything and follow me worse than the employees convinced I’m stealing.. no shame at all no regard for personal space etc. For the record the latter group of people will tell me anything I may ask and way more such as including information I don’t want like bank account info or recent events that strangers should never share. I have never found hope of answers to this till now in the first part, now I feel just as lost but hope maybe there is a piece that fit for a reason and you might know more about this thing I described?
But how do we actually fix congruence???
does this apply when I feel like can’t be my full self because something in my relationship is bothering me? unprocessed feelings? I can’t talk about these things to everyone I feel like they won’t want to hear about how im struggling
21:59 need to come back to this
I often find myself in social situations where im confused by a misunderstanding, I develope minor unflavored distress as a result, and then people ASSUME that I’m angry. Then they’ll accuse me of it, wont believe me when i say im not angry, im just confused, and then inevitably I get angry for real because they’re misrepresenting my feelings and intentions.
Hi Heidi! This was a great video!! I like that you used a crush example. I currently am very attracted to someone but am unsure if it’s right to make my attraction known, but I suspect I’ve been having leaky feelings around them. I’m not sure if I should or shouldn’t express my attraction (trying to figure out if I should kill the fantasies.) How do you discern when those feelings need to be put in contained incongruence or not? This person I like went through a big break up early March and I see them still going to their exes house for game night, but we have a lot in common and I really like them but my gut is telling me it might not be a good time to express my attraction. Do you have advice?
Your comparison of reactions to Person A and Person B is a huuuuge secret that unlocks soooo many protracted, even catastrophic complexes, especially in spheres like sibling rivalry or office space rivalry. It’s the illusion of the other person’s existence being a constant walking breathing assessment of your relative worth, precisely because of the identity attachment. Especially siblings. These are the very first people against whom we measured our place in the pecking order–who got more ice cream in their bowl, who got the bigger approbation for better report cards, etc. So we read about a total stranger winning a million dollars in the lottery and think, "Lucky devil, I wish that would happen to me," in a more or less good-natured "soft envy." But let your sibling win the lottery, AND NOT YOU, and watch out. On absolutely zero rational basis you viscerally take your sibling’s good fortune as a "diss" on your human worth, that you were somehow intentionally slighted and discarded by Fortune on the premise that your sibling is somehow better than you. (Joan Fontaine and Olivia De Havilland come to mind.)
how do you find a therapist who actually does this kinda stuff? I’ve had so many terrible therapists who are just putting their own stuff on me or just not interested in understanding me
i feel so safe seeing other autistic people struggling with the same things i am in this comment section
I know this has nothing to do with the topic being discussed in her upload, but the lady in this video has super pretty eyes.
Have feelings for a coworker who is unattainable? Easy, quit the job and send them a copious barrage of emails from the different State you moved to, extolling all your inner most desires…. Didn’t work for me, but who knows with these things really, might work for you. Happy living!
Thanks!
Everything is incongruous. This is why I fucking hate religion. No emotions make sense after forcing yourself to only look at the world in this stupid imaginary way.
Thanks!
At what point do thought boundaries just become repression and a source of incongruence?
Ugh…. Trying to stand up for myself and being true to myself and it backfired and now i’m triggered even more! lol So after watching this video I reached out to a friend to express how their behavior embarrassed/hurt me, resulting in me carrying resentment and anger towards them. Instead of hearing me and acknowledging my feelings they chose to tell me that they feel they didn’t do anything wrong and that its "okay" for me to share my feelings with people "AS LONG AS THEYRE LEGIT!" Basically telling me that my feelings are "wrong." Feelings are feelings… how can they be wrong? Like this text conversation is getting more heated. If it were me on the receiving end, I would recognize how my actions upset someone and apologize.
Sometimes I wonder how and why you make these videos, and not promote or sell something. Is this profitable enough to spend so much time recording and editing and researching? I’m not complaining, I’m very grateful for the videos and explanations, I’m just curious of the sustainability and extra motivations other than education. Please keep it up as long as possible!
13:27
Not your main point, but I’ve never heard of Carl Rogers being considered the father of talk therapy. He is the father of humanist therapy. Freud, though, was working almost a century before Carl Rogers.
Because Freud was writing in Victorian Vienna, he took some directions that sound quaint to the Modern ear. But he was astoundingly influential in western culture. None of us can think without understanding things through his language. He pioneered the idea of the unconscious, the symbolic nature of symptoms, the idea of defenses, transference, projection, etc.
Freud was extremely insightful and progressive. Psychoanalysts continue to pioneer in the field now in ways that are far more depthful than the trajectory taken by Carl Rogers.
There no question that Freud is the father of talk therapy.
By ‘weird’ do you mean creepy?
What is "weird energy"?
Love your videos and content. So great!
I just want to straighten those books behind your hair. I’m feeling uncomfortable watching this unable to straighten that. Lol. It’s ok. I’ll get over it.
This was a great video and great content! Thank you!
Not to diminish Carl Rogers (who am I?!), but psychoanalysis was already entirely based on language, probably when he was still a child. The analytical process takes place based on free association, where the person says what he/she wants and comes to mind. Rogers may be one of the great names in psychology, but the father of talk therapy is complicated, as this therapy has more than one father — even because psychology drank a lot of the waters of psychoanalysis at the beginning of the 20th century, even to disagree.
how do we do this with fear and timidness
Wow I’m not nearly as self aware as I thought.
Ooph this information is so valueable! Thank you for sharing!
You are so articulate and relatable. Thank you so much for all that you do. ❤
wow! do you have a list of books you recommend?
Heidi, your hair is beautiful.
Thanks! This is so insightful!